So, a peculiar thing happened today, and it got me thinking about my instincts and where how they were built.
It was about 2 p.m., and I was eating a pair of delicious steak tacos from the BajaFresh in my building. I was halfway through the second one and still had a couple ounces of chips left — and hadn’t touched the heaping portion of rice they had served me — when I got up to get a napkin. Almost instantly, I felt the crush of the Mexican food I had been ravenously heaving down my throat (hey, we don’t get a long time to eat lunch.)
Listening to the signals coming from my stomach, I made the decision on the way to the napkin holder that I would take a couple more bites of taco and then be finished eating. Not only would this stave-off post lunch sluggishness, but it would also fall in line with recent streak of healthy decisions.
As I rounded the garbage cans, back to my seat near the door, I finalized this decision. Literally a split-second after I finalized this decision, I turned the corner and looked ahead to see a homeless man standing in the doorway. He looked at me and mumbled something incoherent, which I assumed was a request for money. I began to stammer something about ‘sorry, no’ when he spoke slightly louder this time and asked if he could have some food.
Somewhat instinctively, I again looked away and mumbled ‘sorry, no.’ (As did the woman next to me, who didn’t even look up from what she was reading.) The man moved along and walked out another door to the street.
A few seconds later, I realized what had just happened. In a span of no more than six seconds, I decided I didn’t want anymore of my lunch and then STILL DENIED IT TO A HOMELESS MAN WHO WAS ASKING FOR SOMETHING TO EAT. What. The Fuck.
So, what happened? Looking back, I guess it was just a gut reaction to not wanting to be approached by him. In urban locations, sometimes this becomes commonplace for us. If I know I don’t have any change in my pocket when I see a homeless person sitting ahead of me on the sidewalk, I’ve already got my ‘sorry, no’ prepared a good 30 feet away. Maybe even if I do have change…
I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to take away from my behavior, but I think it’s this: I do not have to give money or food to a homeless person. It’s my prerogative. But instead of going on the ‘sorry, no’ auto-pilot everytime I see someone who I think is going to hit me up, I should actually consider what my answer should be. Sometimes — many times, even — it might be no. But other times — like today — it should be yes.
